2014 was the year that the box office fell majorly. In my humble opinion, however, I thought it was a rather strong year quality-wise for genre cinema. But, like any good year, there’s crap. And, this crap is the worst of the worst. So, you won’t find films like “Transformers 4” or “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” on here… Because while those films may have bad things about them, at least the fulfill the requirement of actually entertaining audiences on some level no matter how dubious. These films are total sh*t. So, let’s jump right into it…
“Transcendence” may not be the worst movie of the year. But, it is the most boring. Watching it felt like I was watching my taxes get done. It’s a massive chore to sit through. The surprising thing in this entertainment-free misfire is how bored everyone in the movie looks. The movie lurches from one boring scene to another where no one acts convincingly human. I’ve never seen Johnny Depp as lackadaisical as he is here. He sleepwalks through the entire movie, as if he wandered onto the set while in a drowsy drunken stupor. It’s well-shot, and looks “pretty”, which is appropriate since it’s directed by Chris Nolan’s go-to cinematographer Wally Pfister. Just goes to show, just because you can point a camera at something and shoot doesn’t mean you can direct. If you want the most restful sleep you’ve ever had, look no further than this garbage.
9. I, FRANKENSTEIN
If “I, Frankenstein” was a person, it’d be a 13-year-old Goth kid sitting in the back of the classroom scribbling in his notebook while mumbling Slipknot lyrics to himself. This movie is hilariously awful… until it becomes stupid. Aaron Eckhart plays Frankenstein’s monster (otherwise known as Adam… get it?!) in the way that Robert Pattinson plays a “Vampire”. They somehow make him a “sexy” (according to who?) version of Frankenstein’s Monster, a grave miscalculation. It’s embarrassing. But, Eckhart plays the role with a ridiculous amount of seriousness that is absolutely laughable. When the movie isn’t busy trying to sell us on this bullsh*t, it devolves into a series of repetitive action sequences involving demons, gargoyles, and Frankenstein in listless and hopelessly boring fights scenes that recycle effect shots that look like playstation 2 quality cut scenes. From every angle you approach, this movie is a f*cking disaster. The only thing that made it somewhat entertaining was my girlfriend getting me high before I watched it. And, even that didn’t work.
“Addicted” is based on a novel… Although, calling it a “novel” is very generous for a book that is essentially a collection of sh*tty Penthouse letters. And the film, appropriately, comes off as a series of boring unerotic softcore cinemax porn scenes stitched together with meaningless drama. At every possible point where “Addicted” has an opportunity to tell an interesting story, it instead wimps out and quits. My viewing experience was f*cking miserable. Imagine me, the only male in an audience full of thirsty-ass women… The audience hooting and hollering as two people we don’t give a flying f*ck about dryly hump each other while the camera emphatically zooms in on male ass the way Michael Bay zooms in on boobs. The level of insulting dismissiveness this film treats its main female lead made me feel nauseous. Throughout the movie, scenes play like this until we get to the “dramatic” portion of the movie that grinds to a screeching halt, and completely abandons the idea that the people we’re watching are human. It’s like watching a trainwreck happen in ultra slow-motion. This is a godawful movie. Stabbing your eyeballs with dull pencils would be more entertaining (and more erotic) than this f*cking bullsh*t could ever be. F*ck this goddamn movie.
7. SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR
“Sin City”, back when it was released in 2005, was a dark & fun little movie. The stories, whether it was “That Yellow Bastard” or “The Hard Goodbye” had a kernel of humanity that made each of these stories feel present and genuine. “Sin City: A Dame to Kill For” further disconnects Frank Miller from his already disconnected-from-humanity work. More than anything, this film feels juvenile, childish, and dull beyond reason. It makes me rethink my feelings about the original film. The novelty has worn out its welcome. Back when “Sin City” was released, it was the introduction of a few things we’ve never seen done before. Namely, the green screen stuff that Robert Rodriguez is known for. However, this movie looks dated… Visually, conceptually, storyline-wise, gender-wise, emotionally… dated… and juvenile as well. This film made me feel gross after watching it. Mainly because of how immaturely everything is approached. There was a stern kind of grown-ness to the original (while still maintaining a fun tone). That’s missing here. Sin City 2 is a terrible movie, which is heartbreaking because of my love for the first film.
6. WINTER’S TALE
“Winter’s Tale” is like getting five bad movies in one. There’s Russell Crowe ripping off someone’s face. There’s a flying horse. There’s Will Smith in the weirdest most out-of-place cameo I’ve ever seen. Melodramatic and sentimental down to its ooey-gooey climax, it’s one of those movies about “LOVE” and how “LOVE IS LOVE” and “LOVE! F*CKING LOVE!!!”… Love conquers all, love crosses barriers, love fixes everything in the world ever. One has to wonder how this many big name actors attached themselves to this. The screenplay is atrocious. How were they able to read this f*cking screenplay, and not know that this was awful? As far as fables go… I thought that after a fable was over, there was supposed to be some kind of valuable lesson. There isn’t here. I didn’t learn anything except that Will Smith had better treat this movie like Arnold Schwarzenegger treats “Red Sonja”, and pretend it doesn’t exist.
5. AMERICA: IMAGINE THE WORLD WITHOUT HER
“America: Imagine the World Without Her” is amazingly awful. As a piece of documentary filmmaking, it is undeniably terrible. Dinesh D’Souza anchors this turd, yet has the personality of a box of Cheerios. This film posits the question of what if America didn’t exist. Just like his equally sh*tty “2016” documentary, this film plays fast & loose with “facts” (if you can even call them that), justifying its weak arguments with laughable logic that even Fox News would have too much respect for itself to even try to attempt. And, just like “2016”, the film is filled with America’s Most Wanted-style dramatizations… Sh*tty skits that’d be more appropriate as a MadTV parody of AMW dramatizations. Plus, let’s be honest, and say that Dinesh D’Souza could maybe learn from a guy like Michael Moore. Call him what you’d like, but at least Moore knows how to entertain his audience. He is a GOOD filmmaker. Dinesh is not. This sh*t here… is just garbage.
“Ouija”… Uh……. This movie is bad in ways I can’t even joke about. There is literally no effort made here to make a movie that is scary or interesting. This isn’t just a horror movie for being who can’t handle horror movies. This is more so a horror movie for people who just can’t handle movies. I can’t write a blurb about this movie without it getting as boring as the movie itself. A PG-13 non-thriller, this movie is as horrifying as a box of puppies… Except puppys are interesting and fun to watch. “Ouija” sucks. Plain & simple.
3. EXODUS: GODS & KINGS
“Exodus: Gods & Kings” is a bible based epic that doesn’t understand the bible or the word “epic”. Ridley Scott does this thing nowadays that is becoming more irritating with each film. He directs in a really cold and distant way to give off the illusion that the movie is cerebral and filled with nuance. Instead, it makes the film BORING. Inconsistent tones abound in this choppily paced piece of anti-cinema. Joel Edgerton (who wears a spray tan) overacts like crazy. Christian Bale underacts, and sleepwalks through the film. The rest of the cast perform in varying degrees of sh*ttiness. The screenplay, like every bible based movie this year, is HORRIBLE. The dialogue these otherwise good actors are forced to say… Jesus. Is it a rule that Bible-based movies are required by law to have sh*tty f*cking screenplays? This continues that trend, except this exists under the veneer of being a psychologically complex & cerebral drama. It comes off as pretentious. And, if there’s one thing I hate more than anything in film, it’s pretension. For that reason, this movie can kiss my ass.
“Tusk”… WOW. What a f*cking piece of dogsh*t. I almost couldn’t believe what I was watching. Kevin Smith’s latest bowel movement is a “horror” movie (I can’t put enough sarcastic quotation marks around the word “horror”, so I won’t even try). But, it’s so tone-deaf, it starts out as a VERY broad comedy that isn’t funny in the least. Then, rams head-on into Cronenberg-style body horror involving Justin Long’s character being kidnapped to be turned into a Walrus. The premise is ridiculous, sure. But, just like most good exploitation films, if the execution is solid and the tone is deliberate, you can make a good fun movie. Here, the movie stumbles very early on with its lame attempt at comedy, and then stumbles through an even lamer attempt at psychological horror that takes up most of its runtime. That doesn’t prepare us for the ending, though… Remember when I said Will Smith had the most out-of-place cameo I’ve ever seen. Well, I lied. Compare that to Johnny f*cking Depp’s cameo where he shows up, and the movie comes to a screeching halt so we can watch a 5 minute scene that feels like three f*cking hours. And then, they finally show us the “Walrus”… And… I couldn’t believe just how sh*tty the creature effects look. It looks like someone wrapped a bunch of brown blankets around some guy, and gave him Walrus fangs. It looks absolutely awful, as much of this movie already does (there’s a scene where some kid gets his leg chopped off, and it’s one of the worst special effects shots I’ve seen in a long LONG time). I cannot properly express in words how much of a disaster “Tusk” is…
1. GOD’S NOT DEAD
“God’s Not Dead” is a deeply insulting, deeply condescending, and monumentally sh*tty faith-based movie. I hate this movie so much. As soon as I saw it, I knew that unless they made “Battleship 2”, there was no way any other film could be worse than this one. Here, we have a movie about this Christian kid who’s a freshman in college going up against his Atheist philosophy professor (played by Kevin “Hercules” Sorbo) in a series of debates. But, of course, this movie is jammed packed with sh*tty subplots. A riot of themes and ideas that never ever feel like they belong together. As a Christian myself, I’d absolutely LOVE to see a movie with real debates for and against the belief of God. However, the Christian characters are given cupcake storylines with no real drama (example: a pastor and his missionary buddy try to get a rental car to go to Disneyland… Not joking), and the atheists are given insultingly simplistic reasons to explain away their atheism. The movie becomes even more offensive when they depict the subplot of a girl who was brought up in a Muslim family, and ultimately gets disowned by that same Muslim family because she listens to Christian sermons on her iPod. Wow, f*ck this movie. Not only that, but the whole entire film on a technical level is subpar on a level that is surprising even for the ultra-sh*tty faith based Christian film genre. Scenes are awkwardly edited, and the production feels a lot like a Disney Channel original movie. I said in my written review that this is the kind of film Tyler Perry would make if he were white. In that it’s obvious, completely unsubtle, and insulting in its simplisticity. This is an awful awful movie that cannot be defended on any intellectual/emotional/religious level. “God’s Not Dead” is the worst movie of 2014… A movie so awful, God him/herself would probably be embarrassed to have this movie named after them.
So, there you have it. If you have the opportunity to avoid all of the movies above, do so. What do y’all think? Agree? Disagree? Think I’m full of sh*t? Let me know… And, as always, thanks for reading.