ENDURANCE TEST #3 – AFTER LAST SEASON (punishment time)

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Look…  I know I’m a piece of shit.  I missed the past two “Endurance Test Tuesdays”.  The reasons why are long and boring.  But, I’m back now.  And, to make it up to you guys, I’m gonna punish myself by watching the worst film ever made in the history of ever…

AFTER LAST SEASON

“After Last Season” is… something.  I hesitate to call it a movie.  I hesitate to even call it an “anything”.  I can’t call it “shit”.  Because, at least shit is distinctive.  At least shit has a smell.  At least shit has a color.  Sometimes, there’s even corn.

“After Last Season” is more akin to “gruel”.  Bland, colorless, and flavorless to a degree that is disturbing to even think about.  To write about this counts as a form of “self-harm”.  I’m hurting myself thinking about this… this… thing.  I hesitate to even call it a “thing”.  To call it a “thing” implies that it has some type of form, or that it has some type of weight as an existing thing.  It doesn’t.  It’s anti-matter.

So, that begs the question: what the hell is “After Last Season”?

The look of an actor trying to give a fuck.

The look of an actor desperately trying to give a fuck.

The answer is a complicated one.  First, let’s try to make sense of the plot.  The only reason why this is necessary is because at some point (unbeknownst to us), the film becomes a dream sequence.

The plot revolves around two people (ehhhh……) who are medical students, who are also interns at some pharmaceutical company.  And, there’s also murders happening.  And also, there’s a chip that can translate thoughts into images, and then there’s a ghost, and then there’s…. um… cardboard.  Lots and lots of cardboard.  Cardboard as far as the eye can see.

Confused?  Good.  Imagine having to watch this, and trying to make sense of it through it’s 90 minute run time.  This is cinema… without the cinematic….  Like, all the shit that gets cut out of regular movies in fear of being too boring ends up showing up here.  Most of the dialogue is filled with the following:

  1. Directions
  2. Small talk
  3. Medical jargon
  4. Small talk
  5. More directions
  6. Cell phone conversations
  7. Incomprehensible garble
  8. Small talk
  9. Conversations about printers

Most of the dialogue sounds like it was recorded via a Game Boy speaker.  Dialogue gets munched into indiscernible garble when met with the sound of cars/traffic/vents in the room they may be filming in.  Speaking of, I’ve never seen a movie shot in 35MM that looks as ugly as this one does.  Maybe it’s because most of the lighting (or lack thereof) is one big giant light shining directly in the actor’s faces.  Of course, this produces a pesky thing known as “shadows”.  Think… when was the last time you remember actually noticing shadows in a movie?  Can’t remember?  See this movie, and be amazed at how ugly they can look on film.

Did you know people can die from ketchup stains?  Well, now you do.

Did you know people can die from ketchup stains? Well, now you do.

The ugly extends far beyond the “lighting”, and is directly involved with the entire production on a technical level.  Like, the production design…  There is none.  Most of the film seems like it was shot in the basement of a long abandoned office building.  and, the props are almost entirely made out of cardboard.  It’s like some 4th grader’s science fair project, except there’s older people acting as if it’s not made by children.

I’m making this sound “so bad, it’s good”.  I can assure you, IT’S NOT.  The biggest sin this movie commits is that it’s FUCKING BORING.  There’s nothing funny about this movie.  It starts out as aggressively (and dare I say flamboyantly) boring, then becomes irritating as it goes on, then becomes actively angering.  You can see that if different choices were made, one could salvage something watchable from this turd.  But, more often than not, the film is so ineptly put together, it defies logic.  Example: the simple choice to use more than one light source might’ve helped to make the film look not as inept.  Some simple editing choice would’ve made the film seem a lot less awkward.  Some simple shit…  Shit that isn’t even that fucking hard to do… could’ve made something kinda watchable.

There's no joke here.  This is an actual shot from the film...  Let that sink in.

There’s no joke here. This is an actual shot from the film… Let that sink in.

And, this is just talking about the actual film stuff.  This isn’t even counting the 10-25 minute long uninterrupted dialogue-free animation scenes that look more like Windows 95 screensavers than actual animation.  These scenes go on… and on… and on… forever.  And, in the end, once the movie plays its final hands, those scenes are ultimately pointless, and meaning absolutely nothing in the grand scene of the film.

Everything, from the editing, to the acting, to the film score……  ALL OF THIS IS TERRIBLE.  Terrible in a way that I can’t laugh at, can’t make fun of, can’t make interesting with friends or foreign substances.  This is just garbage, and it is indeed without a single doubt in my mind the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

But, this doesn’t answer the question I posed in the beginning of this rant/review/slow descent into insanity.  What the hell is “After Last Season”?  Well, I have a theory about that.  This movie costed 5 Million to make.  $5,000,000….

(intentionally left blank)

(intentionally left blank)

I seriously believe in my soul that this was a scam to lure investors in, and then take their money, and run.  OR, it’s a money laundering scam done by the mob.  There is absolutely no reason to assume that any of the $5,000,000 budget actually went into the making of the film.  No one actually spent money on this.  No one.  Absolutely no one.

“After Last Season” defies explanation, and reason.  It is bad on a level I can’t comprehend.

For that, I give the highest cringe-meter rating….

5.0 out of 5.0

Every Tuesday, I will watch and review whatever terrible shit you send me.  You can send me stuff to watch via facebook… Post it to my wall, and next Tuesday, you’ll see which video(s) made the cut.  So, send in your submissions (facebook.com/LewisMorrisPoetry) before Friday!

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ENDURANCE TEST TUESDAYS #2 – LIVE FROM COLORADO

While in Colorado, I enjoyed the scenery.  I looked at the mountains, marveled the silence, and reveled in being at peace.  It was the kind of peace that made me depressed that “Endurance Test Tuesdays” was coming soon. The time in which I willingly (and masochistically) watch the very worst shit out there, and review it.  Like I said last week, Endurance Tests can come in any length or any style.  The only big rule is that they can’t be gross/gory/too easy to make me quit with.  Aside from that, it’s fair game…  With that said, this week’s Endurance Test is…

SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARVES (THE SHITTY ONE)

(Submitted by Tara L.)

So, imagine a not-that-great-to-begin-with story is put in the hands of a plumber, and that plumber is forced to make an animated movie about it at gunpoint.  This is what you get with this garbage, except part of me wishes that the trigger was pulled.

Calling this “animation” is like calling someone who masturbates on camera a “pornstar”.  Obviously, not everyone who has sex can be a “pornstar”, just like not everyone who can draw stick figures can be an animator.  This was clearly done by people who have never touched a pencil and a piece of paper ever in their lives.  And, if they did, then I’d question why it looks like this:

Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 1.53.58 PM

Before you die, you’ll see this face.

You can take a screenshot from any moment of this, and be amazed at the levels of ineptitude to the actual animation.  It reminded me of the 60’s Spider-Man cartoon.  There is constant recycling of images and animation sequences recut into different places to give the illusion of different sequences happening.  I mean, even the same animation sequences are reused with different characters put on top of them.  The actual images themselves seem weirdly unnatural.  The eyes are all dead.  All of them.  And, every character in the video seems like they were created from Microsoft Word clipart.

So, I don’t feel the need to recap the “Snow White” story.  But, you’d be forgiven if you watched this boring piece of non-entertainment thinking its good for your kids,  I mean, c’mon.  The story of “Snow White” has only felt grown up in a precious few instances.  One of those being the original Grimm fairy tale.  Ironically, this version takes most of its cues from the original text.  But, I don’t think people remember how repetitive the original text was.  The story follows this pattern.

1. Evil Queen tries to poison Snow White.  It doesn’t work.

2. Evil Queen tries to poison Snow White again.  It doesn’t work.

3. Evil Queen tries to poison Snow White yet again.  This time, it only sorta/kinda works.

Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 2.05.09 PM

This “Snow White” is still a better actress than Kristen Stewart.

Walt Disney’s “Snow White” streamlined the story so it wouldn’t be as boring.  Because, no one ever said the Brothers Grimm were great storytellers (spoiler alert: they’re not).  The story elements here seem at odds with the clearly kid-friendly approach to the animation.  Like, the ending where the Evil Queen is forced to put on molten-hot metal boots and dance in them until she dies of shock?  Yeah, that shows up here (shittily).

It became clear about 6 minutes in that this was made by people in which English isn’t their first language.  Like, the Evil Queen sounded like she was trying to do a Christopher Walken impression with her lines, and everyone else had confusing accents.  Even the narrator sounded like that guy who sang “Chocolate Rain”.  After doing a little more digging, I realized that this was animated by a South Indian production house that puts out shitty animated things like this.  And, they’re all in English.  Fairly broken English, that is.  So much so, that they had to put subtitles on it.  However, even the subtitles are written in broken English too.  It reminded me of this:

Another thing that tipped me off to the cheapness of the production is the use of stock music.  Musical cues are looped on top of each other, one after another.  Even blatantly ripping off music from other movies (mostly Jerry Bruckheimer action movies).  Like, you could put “score produced by someone who REALLY likes 90’s Hans Zimmer”, and you’d be accurate.  But, there is also a style of film scoring, specifically for children/family films, that I hate more than anything else.  And, that appears here in spades.  Like, it’s trailer music for shitty direct-to-video Disney movies (Space Buddies, anyone?)…

Look, here’s the gist…  This is fucking boring.  This is the most boring thing I’ve watched in a long long time.  It’s not a fun type of bad, it’s not an angering type of bad.  It’s just boring.  I was actively fighting sleep while watching this, hoping that something interesting would happen in its 50 minute run time.  When nothing did, I abandoned hope, and secretly wished that this would be a “ring” type of scenario, and a little girl would climb out of the computer screen, and kill me.

Since that didn’t happen, I have to give it this “cringe-meter” rating:

2.5 of 5.0

Every Tuesday, I will watch and review whatever terrible shit you send me.  You can send me stuff to watch via facebook…  Post it to my wall, and next Tuesday, you’ll see which video(s) made the cut.  So, send in your submissions (facebook.com/LewisMorrisPoetry) before Friday!