Last week’s “Endurance Test Tuesdays” was… shall we say, rough. So, this week, I’m doing something COMPLETELY different. Instead of reviewing one movie, I’m going to watch and review SEVEN awful music videos! These span different genres, different styles, and cover all kinds of random acts of what-the-fuckery. So, with that in mind, let’s do this!!!
1. BLACKSTREET/MYA/MA$E/SOME RANDOM NIGGA – TAKE ME THERE
Have you ever thought “WOW, I wanna hear a song about orgasms that also samples the Rugrats theme song”?! If you have, I hate you. This is an awful song made more awful by the fact that it’s clearly about things that are way too adult for its intended audience. But, alas here we are, a song made for the Rugrats Movie soundtrack (in theory). The music video tries to connect itself to the TV show by having an annoyingly colorful palette, and also having outright weird and creepy visual gags. For example, you have MYA singing about sex while sucking on a pacifier in an oversized crib… Um… Nah, B.
Blackstreet comes in later on after some shitty dancing from Mya and her no-name back-up dancers, and continues singing creepily about things that shouldn’t be associated with Rugrats. Each and every one of them looks like they’re doing this as some form of court-ordered community service. Speaking of, Ma$e comes in, and raps an unbelievably shitty verse to go along with all the other unbelievably shitty verses that defined his joke of a career. This video depicts Ma$e and his other rapper buddy riding around in a Reptar car chasing the Rugrats… Grown men… in a car that attracts children… chasing after young toddlers as they run screaming…. Erm…..
My greatest hope is that this music video, once and for all, exposes the 90’s as the weird and messed up decade that it was. If anyone wants to complain about how Millennials don’t know good music, just google this, and shut the hell up.
2. TONJE LANGETEIG – I DON’T WANNA BE A CRAPPY HOUSEWIFE
If there is any song that could count as an acceptable form of torture, it’d be this. “I Don’t Wanna Be A Crappy Housewife” is a song about a late 20-something woman-child’s attempt to find her youth by going to a lightly attended nightclub in broad daylight. Tonje (pronounced like TOENAIL) starts out the video lamenting that she’s a “little pretty girl trapped inside a grown-up’s body”. A relatively generic sounding EDM-lite track starts as Tonje and her butterface friend get out of a car, and are mobbed by about 10 people standing around before going into a mostly empty nightclub, and singing about not wanting to be a “crappy housewife”.
This song seems to indicate that a woman who might want to start a family, and raise children is “crappy”. On the contrary, women everyday are either relegated to cultural roles like (a) being a housewife, or (b) being one of the idiots in this video. This video, of the two extremes, seems to prefer the latter. So much so, that by rejecting being a “housewife” who is also “crappy”, it completely ignores… y’know, the majority of women who don’t fit either roles.
Of course, this has nothing to do with the actual politics of the song, because the song has no politics. The song has no anything. It barely has lyrics. That is, until two wiggers come in to save the day, and rap (horribly) about how our female protagonist’s youth is fading, as if to throw it in her face repeatedly. Of course, the rapping is shitty… Because, it’s Norway’s assumption of what rappers are supposed to look like and sound like. Except, they’re about two decades behind, and end up settling around the vicinity of 1992 rap stereotypes. I’m sure all of these people, include Tonje (or Toenail) thought they were making something amazing. But, what they made was shit. So much for not wanting to be a crappy housewife.
NEXT! (MORE FROM NORWAY)
3. JILL-HAD/BIG J/LITTEL T – WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOMIE & A HOMO
This is either the world’s second worst rap video (we’ll get to the 1st in a sec), or the world’s worst attempt at a parody of rap. The lines blur, and I’m not entirely sure if these guys are actually failing at rapping, or failing at making fun of rap. Either way, they fail. “What’s The Difference Between a Homie & a Homo” is, homophobic title aside, almost too-stupid to be offensive. Almost. We go through the video, and it’s a bunch of assholes hanging out at a golf course rapping while another guy who is clearly supposed to be the “homo” in this video gets irate and angry at the guys. This leads to a chase between golf carts that ends with our “homo” hero hitting the guys with golf balls.
I’m bothered by so many aspects of this music video… Mainly that it’s trying to be funny. And, almost nothing is worst than watching something try to be funny, but fail so spectacularly at it. One can tell it’s trying so damn hard. It’s probably one of the more cringey music videos I’ve seen. “What’s The Difference Between A Homie & Homo” one guy says at the end of the video. “I don’t know! I don’t know shit!” says another guy. That much is true.
4. CINDY ST. VIL – BOAZ
Little known fact: I love Gospel music. Growing up in the Pentecostal Church, I have a fondness for the genre. But, when it sucks, oh boy… And, “Boaz” is no different. What makes “Boaz” terrible (other than the fact that the music/singing/production/everything is shitty from top to bottom) is that it acts as some sort of clumsy attempt at a love song while also teaching people to NOT HAVE SEX. That’s right. “Boaz” is a song in which a woman sings about waiting for the right man and staying celibate whilst waiting. Ah… The ol’ “NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE” thing, huh? Plus, this woman can’t sing. She just can’t.
She also can’t act! Which is especially unfortunate since there’s so much damn acting in this video. There’s this stupid prologue that seems to last forever about our protagonist rejecting men, and lamenting how she’s waiting for her “Boaz” (For non-Bible people, Boaz is a central character in “The Book of Ruth”). Then, it transitions into a series of awkwardly acted scenes and awkwardly choreographed dancer numbers. The video just lurches on… and on… and on… and on… There was a point where I thought it’d never end.
Look, I know there’s good Gospel out there. Listening to this reminded me of other BETTER Gospel singers like Kierra Sheard or Dottie Peoples. Those songs just rouse something in you where you feel it even if you don’t believe in God. Songs like this make people actively become Atheists. And, I couldn’t blame them either.
5. A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES – THE ANDOVER SONG
Of the videos, this one was the truest Endurance Test of all. Mostly due to its length. What you get is nearly 8 minutes of (mostly white) teenagers rapping about how great their boarding school is… Unfortunately, their teachers rap too. I feel like I’m seeing a theme in every single one of these videos I’ve watched tonight… They all seem to take place in some weird alternate dimension where EVERYONE can all of a sudden bust a rhyme at a moment’s notice. All of these students look like they’re out of their depth, obviously made to do this by their teachers or else they would’ve flunked.
Phillips Academy Andover, being the WASPiest place on the planet, of course would be able to drum up some stupid bullshit like this. Kids with parents that can afford to put their ungrateful asses in a fancy boarding school sing and rap about how privileged they are to have parents with money! Oh, I’m sorry, was that not what the song was about? Because, that’s all I could hear while listening. This is one of those videos that tries to go for something that could go “viral”… Teenagers rapping? Check! Their teachers rapping too? CHECK! All this needed was a cute cat, and this would be viral gold!
“The Andover Song” is like High School Musical for sociopaths. Unfeeling, nihilistic, floating in an indifferent and apathetic musical universe devoid of substance or sustainable life, “The Andover Song” is like the Mein Kampf of high school pep rally songs.
6. LAFEAR – THE SECRET
If you ever need to convince kids to not do drugs, just show them this video. It’ll scare em straight with ease. This is the worst rap video I’ve ever seen. Ever. I’ve seen a lot of them. This is the very worst, and it’s not even close. First of all, can we talk about the clearly high-as-shit rapper at the center of this? I mean, clearly he smoked a shit ton of crack before shooting this, that much is known. But, even the recording matches the energy level of the actual video… Meaning, THERE IS NO ENERGY. And then, his video girls dancing around awkwardly. The one thing I can applaud this video for is actually having video girls who look like actual hood rats.
There is so much that is “hood” about this music video. Bodegas, backyard pools, strip clubs in someone’s basement where they throw around one dollar bills like ballers on a budget. This nigga… his eyes all bloodshot, lookin’ like he just woke up before shooting this, standing around while hood rats apathetically dance around him. Can’t call this ratchet, it’s too BORING to be ratchet. Everyone looks BORED as shit in this video. The actual song is incredible… in its shittiness. The beat sounds like some Fruity Loops bullshit, and the guy’s actual rapping makes me question whether he was really tired. He sounds like he’s on the verge of falling asleep the entire time he’s on record.
Originally, I had another video in this one’s place. But, after stumbling upon it, I knew there was no way I could get away with writing this without watching it. In the hands of someone good, this could be some messed parody of rap in the way that our Norwegian idiots from a couple of videos ago could only dream of. But, this dude is serious… Let that sink in.
7. R.A.E.D. – I’VE COME A LONG WAY
This song is pretty much the worst thing to happen to rap music since the Crack epidemic. I think I’ve heard enough shitty rap tonight to never complain about the radio ever again. If you truly think that Drake or Lil Wayne are ruining hip-hop, I’d refer you to this. This is the type of shit that qualifies as “rap music”. Unfortunately, this video doesn’t have quite the same level of what-the-fuckery as our previous video. But what it does have is a guy rapping to a completely different beat than the one that’s backing him, utilizing a strange auto-tune/transposing effect on his vocals. It’s like listening to one man’s slow descent into insanity. From what I can gather, this video is just this guy on vacation, rapping, petting animals, and grabbing young boys and making them (unwillingly) appear in front of the camera.
This dude is like a male Iggy Azalea… I had to know who the hell this asshole is. He’s a guy born from Melbourne, Australia. He apparently used to be an Ecstasy dealer, and used his money from his drug trafficking days to fund a rap career. It’s the kind of heartwarming story that makes me wish he stayed in the drug trade. That sounds cruel, I’m sure. But, then again, I’ve sat through TWO (count em… TWO) of this asshole’s music videos expecting something not shitty. Apparently, that’s a tall order.
This isn’t to imply that rap isn’t inclusive. We ALL know it is. There’s rap music that spans cultures and countries… Polish rap, Korean rap, French rap, German rap (my personal favorite kind of international rap)… This genre opens its arms, and gives most people a chance. And, then there’s asshole’s like this who seem to have a self-congratulatory attitude about his own rhymes. I can’t make this funny, I can’t say witty things about this video, or the song it’s based on. I really just wanna curl up into a ball, and die after listening to this. Which is what I think I might do after finishing this post.
Ugh…. I thought this would be a fun palette cleanser after “Megan Is Missing”… But no. Next week, it’ll be back to our regularly scheduled shit of shitty movies. So keep in mind…
Every Tuesday, I will watch and review whatever terrible shit you send me. You can send me stuff to watch via facebook… Post it to my wall, and next Tuesday, you’ll see which video(s) made the cut. So, send in your submissions (facebook.com/LewisMorrisPoetry) before Friday!