TRIGGER WARNING: This film is about sexual violence against teenagers.  Seeing as I’m reviewing this, some of the (nsfw) images here are direct still shots taken from the film.  Still, just a heads up.

Once again, it’s time to discover the worst of the worst.  That’s right, it’s time for “Endurance Test Tuesdays”.  This is a recurring blog in which I willingly watch the very worst shit out there, and review it.  As always, Endurance Tests can come in any length or any style.  The only big rule is that they can’t be gross/gory/too easy to make me quit with.  Aside from that, it’s fair game…  With that said, this week’s Endurance Test is…

MEGAN IS MISSING (suggested by anonymous)

Every so often, there comes a film that demands our attention…  A film that rattles our collective lives, and forces us to reevaluate our world and how we relate to it.  That film is NOT “Megan Is Missing”.  You wouldn’t know that based on the quote from the poster above, or the director’s own self-congratulatory attitude about his own film.

Let’s not get it confused…  “Megan Is Missing” is a vicious little turd of a film…  Both utterly bewildering in its ineptitude, yet incredibly angering in its contradictory storytelling.  The main conceit here is that it’s supposed to be some kind of found footage film, compiled entirely from video chat, cell phone chat, etc.  This film fails majorly on all of those points.  More on that in a bit.  Let’s run down the plot.

The film is about two teenage girls.  They wear make-up, go to parties, and drink, and shit.  One of them (Megan) starts talking to some guy named “Josh” online, goes to meet him, and then goes missing.  Police get involved.  Then, the other girl (Amy) starts talking to the same guy (I’m getting a headache just typing this, it’s so fucking stupid), goes to meet him KNOWING it’s the same guy, and also goes missing.  What follows is about 20-30 minutes of rape/torture scenes involving a minor until the guy sticks the second girl in a barrel where Megan’s corpse has been left to rot, and then buries her alive with said corpse.  And, that’s the end of the movie.

Because, people totally use cell phone video chat for this rather than, y’know… a compact mirror.

Literally writing that rundown makes me wanna chug a gallon of bleach.  This film is bullshit in multiple ways, I don’t even know where to start.

Okay…  First, the film’s most egregious issue… it’s logic… There is none.  NO ONE ACTS THE WAY PEOPLE WOULD IN REAL LIFE.  Which is especially heinous here since this is found footage, and… y’know… IT’S SUPPOSED TO SIMULATE THINGS THAT REALLY HAPPENED.  If you ever decide that you hate yourself enough to watch this piece of shit, here’s a series of logic issues to have fun with:

A). When Megan goes missing, Amy (for some reason) doesn’t feel compelled to report this “Josh” character to the police.
B). After she does tell someone about “Josh”, the police don’t feel the need to monitor Amy’s online activity despite the fact that her best friend is missing, and that her online dealings could have something to do with it. I mean, Megan did go missing AFTER meeting up with this “Josh” character. Is it plausible AT ALL that Amy wouldn’t put two & two together.
C). Even after that, Amy feels compelled to chat with “Josh”… What the fuck?
D). Amy’s parents don’t feel compelled to monitor her online activity, or to tell her “no more chatting”, or “you can’t go outside right now”.

Ugh…. I hate having to post these actual stills from the film.

There’s more, but you get the point.  Also, let’s talk about the filming technique, since it makes no fucking sense at all.  Logically, this film is supposed to take place entirely via online communication.  So, video chat, and things of that nature.  In the film, the camera is always perfectly aimed, with characters sitting in one spot, talking, never multitasking at all.  Because, when I video chat, I don’t have other tabs open, I don’t surf the web, I sit in one spot for the entirety of the conversation not moving, or anything…  Bullshit.  Also, where I live, my reception is perfect 24/7, and NEVER drops out, or freezes, or loses resolution EVER… BULLSHIT.  Also, all of my friends rely ENTIRELY on video chat on their phones to talk to everyone and communicate plot points… er, I mean information to each other!!!  Because, no one fucking texts, or calls anyone EVER.  BULLSHIT!!!!!!

Ugh………  It also doesn’t help that the actual video quality is too good to be on a wireless network.  At multiple points, the movie contradicts its own logic with things like this.  Yet, it wants us to buy into the illusion of “this is all real”.  Another thing that ruins that illusion is that the acting is some of the worst I’ve ever seen.  No one talks the way people talk, and no one acts the way people act.  Our protagonists are supposedly “best friends” because the movie tells us they are.

Once it comes time for the movie to actually get into the abduction, the film goes from confusing and inept to insulting and harmful.  This film, which has been mostly about minors talking about sex or having sex, becomes a snuff film as it fetishistically depicts a young teenager being tortured and molested repeatedly until she is eventually buried alive with the corpse of her best friend.  I mean, what the fuck.

This is that corpse, by the way. I really truly hope something bad happens to this director.

The director is some asshole named Michael Goi, a cinematographer who has worked on shows like “Glee” and “American Horror Story”.  Looking into his filmography as a director, which includes films with titles like “Sexy Urban Legends” and “Voyeur”, I can’t help but view this as torture porn of the most despicable kind.

But, wait…  Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of BULLSHIT RATIONALIZATION!  That’s right, folks!  The defenders of this film (idiots, by the way) might suggest that this film is a call to action for parents everywhere to be more weary of their kids’ internet interactions.  Even the director himself has rationalized his shitty dialogue as “taken from real conversations from real 13/14 year old girls”.  You know what, I don’t know any girls that talk like the ones in this movie.  I don’t know any girls that consistently rely on video chat as their main mode of communication with each other.

The director… If I ever find this man, I’m gonna punch him directly in the face repeatedly.

And, another rationalization is that it’s “based on actual events”…  According to the director, it was culled together from like 8 different cases of child abduction.  Okay asshole, WHICH ONES?

You know, let’s cut the bullshit.  I’m sick of movies that try to hide their true intentions under the pretension of being about “important things”.  This is straight up nothing more than torture porn given more importance than it deserves because it’s about kids and the internet.  But, if it was REALLY all that important, then the director would’ve worked harder making sure that the logic of the film, and the actual visual presentation of it held up to scrutiny.  It’s so fucking lazy, I can’t believe it even exists.

“Megan Is Missing”, for all I know, could have been made with the absolute best intentions.  But, this final product is complete and total garbage not worth the DVD its printed on.  This is an absolutely AWFUL and downright DESPICABLE film, and I truly truly hate whoever suggested that I watch this bullshit.  Whoever that person is, we aren’t friends.

Please, I beg of you, do not give your time to this film.  I now feel like a permanently damaged person for having watched it.  Please don’t put yourself through it.  Seriously, I’m begging you, don’t watch it.  Ever.

I give this the highest cringe-meter rating….

5.0 out of 5.0

Every Tuesday, I will watch and review whatever terrible shit you send me.  You can send me stuff to watch via facebook… Post it to my wall, and next Tuesday, you’ll see which video(s) made the cut.  So, send in your submissions (facebook.com/LewisMorrisPoetry) before Friday!


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