REBOOT!!!! Everybody loves a good reboot, don’t they? Well, Endurance Tests is getting a reboot, bigger, stronger, and badder (literally) than ever before! I’ve seen some truly awe-inspiring garbage, and I can’t wait to share that garbage with you.
Some of you (about five of you probably) may be wondering what exactly has kept me from posting any new “Endurance Test” blogs. Well, the reason was THIS particular movie. Ever since I saw the trailer, I knew there was no way I could justify continuing to do this blog, and not seeing this film. The film in question, of course is “Cool Cat Saves The Kids”. For context, here is the trailer:
“Cool Cat Saves The Kids” is 75 straight minutes of unbridled what-the-fuckery. It starts out as just confusing and dumb, then slowly descends into a madness that can only be described as infectious. It pummels otherwise intelligent brains into a delirium not unlike the kind one would experience after taking some flakka, mixing it with bath salts, and chasing it down with the tears of orphaned babies.
Make no mistake, this is meant for very VERY young children. However, parents out there, heed my warning: if you buy this for your young kids to watch, they will grow up to resent you. And, rightfully so. I’m convinced that showing this movie to children legally counts as a form of child abuse. In other words, if you get this for your kids, it can only be for one reason: You hate children, and get sadistic pleasure from their suffering.
“Cool Cat” inhabits a corner of existence where sanity and logic aren’t feasible concepts. We follow the tale of a talking human-adult-sized yet clearly childlike cat-person, his elementary-school aged friends, his human father and cat mother (???), and his never-ending struggle against bullying, graffiti, and guns. Cool Cat doesn’t have a name other than “Cool Cat”. And, Cool Cat is never seen doing anything actually “Cool.” On the contrary, he’s cool because the movie tells us he’s cool.
But, perhaps Cool Cat is “cool” because he has an annoyingly positive attitude about EVERYTHING. He’s always excited. He’s always happy. Except this one time he has a bad dream, and finds himself rocking back & froth in a closet in a fetal position (not a joke, by the way… this REALLY happens). It, for two short minutes, becomes like “Requiem for a Dream”. But immediately after that, it’s back to being happy and positive. If this were a horror movie, you wouldn’t have to change a single thing about “Cool Cat” to make him creepy. He’s constantly excited, incessantly laughing maniacally in between his sentences. I’m convinced that in the script (if there was one), every other line of dialogue written for Cool Cat is “LOL” or “ROFL.”
Over time, it becomes painfully clear that they had only one costume on set, and had to do a split screen effect for when Cool Cat and Mom Cat are in the same shot. Any other time, they’re never seen on screen with each other. If they’re talking, it’s always in between shots.
Speaking of, it’s kinda gross and weird to see the human dad curl up next to Mom Cat, and call her a “fine looking’ kitty cat” in a way that says “I’m so damn hard right now.” In fact, the dad keeps looking at Mom Cat as if he’d have sex with her right then and there if Cool Cat wasn’t there (though, I’m not convinced he wouldn’t think about it). It’s unclear how Cat + Human = Cat… But, clearly logic doesn’t exist here. And, neither do laws against bestiality.
You may ask, “is there a story?” Well, yes… barely. What we get is a series of weakly connected vignettes that revolve around a different “lesson” meant to educate children. The recurring theme is “bullying” as an A-Plot while the B-Plot is about another issue. Most of these vignettes feature this asshole kid named Butch the Bully. Butch hates Cool Cat because “reasons.” Now, I get the purpose of this. Bullying is a huge huge problem that isn’t taken seriously in our culture.
However, I’d argue that movies like “Cool Cat” are the reason why it’s not taken seriously. Obviously, there’s things that happen psychologically and emotionally that causes youth to lash out, and become bullies. This film is not at all interested in trying to figure out why Butch is a bully. He just is because, once again, “reasons.” We think that bullying is just this thing that happens… Kids will be kids, right? If adults don’t take the time to actually figure out what kind of trauma or psychology creates bullies, then isn’t it just lip service?
As for how this relates to the film, it gives shitty advice to kids… Not just regarding bullying, but about a lot of things. At one point, Cool Cat’s friend Maria gets a text from a number she doesn’t recognize. When asked by Cool Cat what to do, he enthusiastically goads her into opening the text, and reading it. He even suggests that maybe they’ve just won money. So, first of all, you suggest that a young child should answer a text from someone she doesn’t know? Isn’t that what pedophiles hope for? And, that she might’ve won money from a contest she didn’t enter to win? Isn’t that how people get their identity stolen?
Yeah, obviously Cool Cat isn’t a very good role model. Nor is he a very interesting character. Based on a series of children’s books by a former playgirl model/male stripper name Derek Savage (who writes, directs, and stars in the film), Cool Cat is pretty anonymous except for one thing: he’s good at everything, gets everything he wants, and is always happy… ALWAYS. At one point, Cool Cat gets invited to be part of the Hollywood Christmas Day parade. He writes and sings a shitty song about himself as Derek plays his Van-Halen autographed guitar. And then, there’s a scene with Cool Cat performing a rap song. Kill. Me. Now. Then, he goes to the parade, which is when the movie literally stops to gloat about Cool Cat being in this parade. We see Cool Cat riding around in a convertible as kids on the sidelines wonder who the fuck this is, and why they should care. Spoiler alert: they shouldn’t.
But, Derek Savage wants to convince you that they do by taking the sound clip of applause from the audience, and looping it over and over to make it sound like everyone gives a flying fuck about Cool Cat (they don’t). This scene goes on for like 10 whole minutes. At this point, the movie becomes actively irritating. From this point on, we have go back to the vignette style of storytelling, which begins with Cool Cat going to picnic with Vivica A. Fox and Eric Estrada. Dafuq?
And then, we get my favorite part of the whole. Cool Cat solves guns. So, Butch the Bully finds a gun, and then cartoonishly proclaim that he’s gonna use it to “take everyone’s lunch money”. Yeah… I’m not making this up. Cool Cat and his friend Maria find out, tell Cool Cat’s furry-enthusiast dad, and then goes to Cool Cat’s school to find Butch showing the gun off to his friend. And then, a cop comes, hand-cuffs him, and arrests him, and that’s the end of the movie for Butch.
Now, the fact that Butch is treated with dismissiveness throughout the entire movie leaves a rotten taste in my mouth. At this moment, you could have Butch show a little bit of remorse, and salvage the character by offering an olive branch to Cool Cat. This is simple shit… Storytelling 101. But, no. Butch gets arrested, and never gets a moment to get redeemed the way most bullies in every movie do. It gives the kids permission to view the bully empathetically. Having Butch be a complete and total dickhead throughout the entire movie to never find any redemption makes the entire film feel gross and cynical.
I’ve written a lot about this film while not even delving into the technical shittines of the film. If I were to do that, I’m pretty sure this review would be much much longer. Suffice it to say, “Cool Cat Saves The Kids” is a piece of shit. It’s not so bad that it’s good. It’s just bad. The people who get amusement from this film are sociopaths. And, the trailer made the movie look more random and funny-bad than it actually is.
I give “Cool Cat Saves The Kids” a Cringe-Meter score of:
Every week, I will watch and review whatever terrible shit you send me. The setup is the same: the only big rule is that they can’t be gross/gory/too easy to make me quit with. Aside from that, it’s fair game… Send me recommendations via email at: Lewis.Morris@flatlinepoetry.com
Thanks for reading!